Friday, August 04, 2006

DAY 90

Check out this adorable skirt by Abercrombie and Fitch. You love it, right? Well, it's evil. Yes. It. Is.

Let me back up a bit. E and I are going on a Palm Springs mini-vacation in a couple of weeks and I suddenly realized that my current denim skirt is rather long for 100-plus degrees weather. And so I got myself over to Sherman Oaks Fashion Square. This darling skirt is in the window at A&F and it instantly takes me back to summers past and I get this happy nostalgic feeling and so I go in to the shop in search of darling skirt (and maybe a wee bit in search of summers past).

The second I step into the shop I am immediately accosted by the ridiculously loud music that they apparently use to keep the parents of their clientele out of the store. I think 24-hour convenience marts use this same technique to keep the homeless from making camp in their parking lots. Anyway, I can't find skirt anywhere so I seek help from the gaggle of teensy fifteen-to-seventeen-year-old girls that work there. Seriously, this company is clearly engaged in discriminatory hiring practices because it cannot be a coincidence that all of their employees are size 00 (that's smaller than single zero, if you are wondering) and have long blonde hair that flows all the way to their belt loops. But I digress...

So I get one of the sales waifs to help me find skirt and show me to the dressing room which is where I discover that A&F uses overhead industrial-strength incandescent lighting (whose brightness is rivaled only by the sun itself). The lighting seems to be intended to reveal any hint of cellulite you might have which -- if seen peeking out of A&F clothing -- would obviously tarnish the A&F brand name (and A&F will have none of that!). While I don't want to accidentally buy something that makes me look like post-2004 Tara Reid, I really don't think it's necessary to light the dressing room to the point of inducing snow-blindness. Despite their best efforts to discourage me, I decide the no-sugar diet has been going rather well and that I'm satisfied that skirt looks more Sienna than Tara and I make my way over to the register.

Now I'm standing in the checkout line minding my own business and the cashier (a virile-looking young man) keeps saying: "Ma'am? Ma'am?" Suddenly I realize he's talking to me. Me?! WTF?! Everybody knows "Ma'am" is code for "Old Lady" (unless it's uttered by a cosmetics sales girl, in which case it's code for "bitch"). Look, I am certainly NOT an old lady, Punk! Anyway, it turns out he wants to move the line around to the other direction (for no apparent reason other than his own amusement). I oblige. And seethe. And that's when skirt starts talking to me. (Oh yeah. It talks). Skirt says to me:

"Wow. You're like the oldest lady who has ever tried me on."

"Shut the hell up, Skirt! You don't know what you are talking about. Heather Locklear is at least seven years older than I am and she has a skirt just like you."

"She's no Denise Richards," says skirt.


Somehow I manage to shake off this whole insulting incident by concentrating on my head photoshopped over Sienna's in this picture on the left. I do this to the point that I now have a very strong memory of that day when me and Jude went strolling through London with our sweet puppy. Oh, how we laughed and laughed that day! *sigh*

Finally, I pull into my garage and go upstairs to get ready for bed (with images of Jude, and me, and silent skirt, still dancing in my head). Right after I brush my teeth and wash my face it happened. I looked in the mirror and sort of turned my face three-quarters to the right. And then I do the same thing to look at the left... and... oh god... it's so terrible! I actually put one hand on each side of my face and sort of lifted up a bit. I virtual face-lifted! *GASP* I'm too young to be testing out face lifts in my bathroom mirror! Yes. I. Am. So, anyway, I blame skirt. It's the only thing that makes sense, right? Evil skirt.

1 comment:

Pavlina said...

mmm, evil skirt indeed. Just found your blog, and what do you know, I am a fifth of May baby.

Oh yes, I do bow down to you for entering into A&F. I went there 2 years ago with my neice and my new son (he was maybe 2 months) as soon as we entered the loud music, it lulled him to sleep. I am not brave enough to actually shop there though. Good for you.

Rock ON, SISTA!!!